


Releasing the Fire

by Nhite



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Blood, Campaign 2 (Critical Role), Canon Backstory, Mental Instability, Past Child Abuse, Past Torture, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-07
Updated: 2020-03-10
Packaged: 2021-03-01 00:48:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,941
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23046541
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nhite/pseuds/Nhite
Summary: Caleb struggles to deal with his past, and turns to self-harm, trying to hide it from his companions. This story is dark, graphic, and not for the faint of heart. Rated Mature because it contains graphic, detailed depictions of self-harm and suicidal thoughts. It contains spoilers from Campaign 2 Episode 7 on.
Kudos: 38





	1. Beginning of the End

Please mind the tags, they are there for a reason. This is dark, contains mention of self-harm and suicidal thoughts. Per source material, it also refers to child abuse and mental illness. I do not update stories regularly, I am actually really bad about updating. This is a WIP with a possibility of not finishing.

Spoiler warning: This contains spoilers for Critical Role, Campaign 2, especially episode 7 onwards. If you have not seen it, do not read this story if you don’t want spoilers. Also, this, being fanfiction, is slightly AU. I have tried to keep them all as in-character as possible outside of the specific changes, but mistakes happen.

Obligatory I do not own Dungeons and Dragons, Critical Role, the Mighty Nein, Caleb Widogast, or any of their material.

* * *

He felt relief, as the blood slowly flowed from his arm, dripping onto a torn shirt placed underneath to catch the blood. The red, the same color as the flames that took the lives of his parents, the same color as his hair. He glanced to the foot of the bed, checking on his sleeping companion. She was yet to catch him doing this. He was so easily hurt, no need to ever explain blood stains on his shirts. If she ever saw the scars, well his arms were already covered in them, only he knew which were by his own hands. She would probably brush it off, humans scarred so easily compared to goblins. Gently, he wiped the wounds as the flow stopped, carefully re-wrapping his bandages as his companion began to stir. The shirt went back into his pack as he began to prepare for the day.

“Caleb?” He showed no discomfort at the false name.

_“Ja,_ Nott?”

“You are always awake before me. What do you do while you wait for me to wake up?”

Caleb smiled softly. “I make sure I have everything I need and prepare myself for the day. I am not awake much longer before you are.”

“Okay. I was just curious.” Caleb left the room to the inn’s main room, summoning breakfast for himself and Nott, knowing she would be joining him shortly. Little did he know how their lives were about to change and the new companions he was about to meet.

Caleb cautiously watched their traveling companions as he and Nott left Trostenwald. They did not seem overly curious about the bandages on his arms, and he was content to leave it. He didn’t trust his companions, except Nott. A few days later, they are in a cave of gnolls, and his fears come to life as once again his fire brings death. He is encapsulated in his memories, unable to break free but for the moments Molly and Beauregard snap him out, however temporarily. As he stares at the priest, he hears the voices of his parents screaming. He knows nothing, doesn’t even feel as Molly and Beau guide (drag, really) him out of the cave. He struggles to keep from screaming, to run and never stop. The arms holding him up are also holding him back from escaping.

Caleb knows they are returning to Alfield, but the journey is hazy. The shout of the guards brings him back, albeit temporarily. As the people celebrate, thanking them for saving them Caleb, he takes Nott’s hand, needing the comfort and the reminder to not share his thoughts.

_Thank you? For what? For killing another, for once again allowing the fire to consume another? They wouldn’t be thanking us if they knew who I was, knew what I’ve done. I’m just a monster._

As his companions questioned him, he could only hope they didn’t realize the truth behind the lies. He was grateful Molly changed the subject, happy the group dropped his catatonia in favor of celebration and examining their loot. When the argument about the glove that shoots fire comes up he bites his tongue, holding back the reason he doesn’t want anyone else to have it.

_No one else should know what it feels like to burn someone alive, to live with the blood of that kind of death on their hands. Thank you, Nott._ His heart skipped when Nott distracted the group from their nosiness, again. He just wants to escape all of the celebration, but knows to do so will be suspicious. Finally, things are winding down and they make arrangements for the evening. Caleb leaves, needing to bring Frumpkin back, needing the comfort his fey companion brings. He dreads falling asleep, knowing the dreams that will come that night. Before falling asleep, once he is sure Nott is sleeping, he gags himself, determined to not wake his companion up with his nightmares. Frumpkin curls tight against him, purring.

After waking the second time from nightmares, Caleb doesn’t bother trying to return to sleep. He carefully climbs out of bed and sits on the floor, instructing Frumpkin to let him know when Nott stirs. He unwraps his arms, the previous cuts are healed into angry scars. An unexpected side-effect of the rapid healing of magic. With any luck, if his companions see his scars they will associate them with their fighting and not self-infliction. He pulls out his small dagger from his pack, the blade dark from repetitive heating. He also removes a spare shirt, stained with blood and arranges it on the floor underneath his arm, cleansing the blade and allowing it to cool before setting it to his skin.

Caleb glances at Nott, sound asleep, before dragging the blade across his skin, the feel of the cold metal becoming slick with his blood. The horror of his nightmares dull, while he punishes the flesh that brought about the demise of his parents. As the blood drips, his memories of the asylum, and the time immediately following, fade. He knows it's only an illusion, but he imagines the fire of his spells slowly fading with each drop of blood. Eventually, he feels cool once again, having doused the fire once more. He cleans up, Nott still fast asleep when he leaves the room to get breakfast.


	2. To Zadash!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To Zadash! As Caleb and the Mighty Nein explore Zadash, he struggles with trust, and hiding his past from Nott and their companions.

Please mind the tags, they are there for a reason. This is dark, contains mention of self-harm and suicidal thoughts. Per source material, it also refers to child abuse and mental illness. I do not update stories regularly, I am actually really bad about updating. This is a WIP with a possibility of not finishing.

Spoiler warning: This contains spoilers for Critical Role, Campaign 2, especially episode 7 onwards. If you have not seen it, do not read this story if you don’t want spoilers. Also, this, being fanfiction, is slightly AU. I have tried to keep them all as in-character as possible outside of the specific changes, but mistakes happen. If you want to know what Caelb is reacting to, this chapter focuses on Episodes 8-17.

Obligatory I do not own Dungeons and Dragons, Critical Role, the Mighty Nein, Caleb Widogast, or any of their material.

* * *

Caleb is with the Mighty Nein in Zadash. He struggles to not freeze when he sees the mages flying around the spires, recognizing at least one. _What are they doing here? Who is the other? Please, let it not be him!_ He grabs his arms, scratching at the bandages. Quickly, he is distracted by fighting and escaping. After the return to the Leaky Tap, he was grateful for the chance to be alone in the basement. As he feels the warmth from the object they’d found, he allows himself to fall apart. Seeing wizards, one he recognized, shook his control. He struggles to breath, heart racing. The sound of children holding back screams fill his head, and the oldest scars on his arm pulse in phantom pain as he is locked in his memories. He bites his tongue when Nott’s voice breaks the memories.

_How long until she returns? Do I have enough time, no. She could be back any time. I can’t let her see the real me, see me weak. I must be strong for her, she needs me! No, I can wait, it will wait, the blade is always there. She won’t always, once she finds out what I’ve done, once she sees me for the monster that I am she will leave._

Caleb’s thoughts are interrupted by the arrival of Nott, and he is overjoyed when he realizes the scrolls Nott managed to steal for him. When the conversation turns to discussion about the group and how he and Nott aren’t ‘team players’, he mentally scoffs. Last time he was a team player…no, he can’t think about that right now.

 _How would she react?_ He brings up the Soltryce Academy, trying to gauge her reaction. When she asks if he did something bad, his voice is caught.

_Bad doesn’t even begin to cover it. Horrific, monstrous even. Forgiven, me? Never, there is no forgiveness for what I have done, who I was and who I am. I can’t even tell my friend the truth._

Soon, they fall asleep. For the first time in years, he doesn’t suffer from nightmares. He wakes well rested, at peace. Waking breaks the peace, and his heart plummets as it’s broken once more. Nott stirs, and he knows he doesn’t have time for his dagger. He wonders on the meaning of his dream, what it meant and why the object caused him to feel such peace.

* * *

Days later, he was eager to examine the object. He felt a small peace after coming to, a peace shattered when Jester and Nott informed him he’d mentioned his parents. He stumbled for words, hoping they ignored the stumble and didn’t look further.

_Talk to you? About this? No, definitely not. You are the last person I would tell about my parents; you are too innocent and nice to ever tolerate a monster such as myself. You would leave, and I need the group to help protect Nott. Trusted friends? I suppose, I do trust them but they clearly don’t trust me. And they shouldn’t! I am constantly lying to them, hiding the truth. If they knew…they must never know. I can’t lose them, not now._

Once again, he gagged himself as he slept, the now familiar routine a comfort as Frumpkin curled up by his face, purring. The sounds of celebration have Nott waking just as he pulls out his dagger, which he quickly hides as she stirs. He gazes at it longingly, then shakes his head.

_No, she is stirring. She would not understand. None of them would, this is your burden to bear._

As they enter the festival, he glances around, seeing families as well as individuals walking around. He smiles through the memories of smaller festivals attended with his parents, not wanting to spoil his friends’ day. As soon as he can he slips away to search for members of the Cobalt Soul. Upon finding out he only needs a monk to accompany him, he returns to the group, distracted. Soon, they are preparing to fight in the Victory Pit, and he focuses his attention on the upcoming fights.


	3. Burning Memories

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the Victory Pit of Zadash, Caleb battles monsters while fighting memories from his past. At the end of the night, after a bargain with Beauregard, he tells her and Nott about his past in order to get something from Beau.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, three chapters in almost as many days! This won't be the norm, I've had some free-time this weekend. I wrote the second half of this chapter while listening to Campaign 2, Episode 18. Many of Caleb's thoughts are direct responses to his conversation with Beauregard. If you have trouble following along, with the line that starts "Caleb caresses his dagger..." start watching the episode at time marker 2:38:38.

Please mind the tags, they are there for a reason. This is dark, contains mention of self-harm and suicidal thoughts. Per source material, it also refers to child abuse and mental illness. I do not update stories regularly, I am actually really bad about updating. This is a WIP with a possibility of not finishing.

Spoiler warning: This contains spoilers for Critical Role, Campaign 2, especially episode 7 onwards. If you have not seen it, do not read this story if you don’t want spoilers. Also, this, being fanfiction, is slightly AU. I have tried to keep them all as in-character as possible outside of the specific changes, but mistakes happen. If you want to know what Caleb is reacting to, this chapter focuses on the second half of Episode 17-18 (from the Victory Pit battle on). Major spoilers for his backstory!

Obligatory I do not own Dungeons and Dragons, Critical Role, the Mighty Nein, Caleb Widogast, or any of their material.

* * *

_Shit, why did he have to be here? Who else is with him? I have to hide myself, make it so they don’t know it’s me. How? Blur? Yes, perfect! No, they will recognize the spell and it will peak their curiosity. My hood is up, maybe that will be enough. Please, let it be enough!_

Caleb hesitates before casting fire bolt at the beast, not sure who may recognize his magic. After Yasha finishes the creature off, he’s grateful to leave the sight of Oremid Haas and anyone who might be with him. It’s not long before they are going out of the chamber again. Every move he makes is weighed against the possibility of recognition, but eventually he decides ending the encounter as fast as possible is the best way to get out of the spotlight. His heart is racing as they once again take a break. He summons Frumpkin, hidden, to give him much needed comfort to calm his panic going into the next fight.

Caleb stares at the hill giant, sure that this fight will lead to the death of one of his companions, if not himself. He is unsurprised when Molly, then Yasha falls to the troll. His heart stops when he sees it attack Nott, and it starts again when he realizes she is still alive. He frantically tries to think of any way to stop the giant and is surprised when the sleep spell takes effect. He pulls his cloak tighter around his face, desperate to hide from those watching.

At the victory party, when the Starosta points out Oremid Hass, his hands become clammy and his breath catches. Frumpkin begins to purr, the vibrations sending echoes around his neck. As his companions give their location to the Starosta, he wishes they wouldn’t be so free with information of how to locate them. As the group decides to go speak to Oremid Hass, Caleb slips away. He pulls out the diamond he uses to focus some spells, and fidgets with it. As he sees Beau and Yasha approach Oremid, he sends Frumpkin to follow and sits, needing to know what they say.

He doesn’t initially recognize the wizard next to Oremid, but upon hearing the name he takes another look. Time has not been kind to his old Master. Caleb freezes, breathing shallow as his fears come to life.

_Master Ikithon is here! No! He will find me. I have to leave, no, wait it would be suspicious if I left immediately after two members of my group are introduced to him._

As they speak with each other, he clenches his arms, trying to forget what’s underneath the bandages. His stomach churns at the thought of Trent getting his hands on Yasha.

 _No, it’s ok! They don’t know your real name, they don’t know who you are. Stay the course, Bren, do not fuck it up and let them know you are on to them! Shit! Don’t let them see your face!_ His heart drops when Oremid notices Frumpkin, thinking he’s been figured out. He leaves Frumpkin and leans forward to look at the ground, his cloak obscuring his face as they pass by. He reminds himself to breathe, having forgotten momentarily. As they walk to the Pillow Trove, all he can think about is the next day, and getting into the Cobalt Soul’s library. When Beau names her price, he reconsiders.

_Is it worth it? Is it worth the price she’s named? I’m not sure. Fair price, ha! You wouldn’t know fair…but of course you wouldn’t, not without knowing my secret. I need to get into the library. If she doesn’t keep my secret, Nott and I can always leave. Nott…I can’t tell Beauregard without telling Nott first. Maybe, I can tell them at the same time? Nott will hate me, no, she cares about me. Maybe it’s enough? There’s only one way to know._

* * *

Caleb caresses the dagger as he waits for Nott and Beauregard to come to the room. He stashes it away when he hears footsteps approaching. He needs to know if Nott is still loyal to him, or if the group has seduced her away from him.

His voice shakes as he speaks, unable to keep the fear back.

_Please, don’t leave me. I know I don’t deserve you, don’t deserve to have you stay, but I need you. I can’t do this without you! Answer the question, do you like the Empire? What I’m about to tell you, I need to know before I can tell you. Are you going to hurt me, am I going to regret telling you? This is stupid. Oh Nott, my darling goblin. I don’t deserve your loyalty, loyalty I doubt I will still have once you know the truth. It’s time, time to start. Just say it, this will tell you everything you need to know. How they react will tell you what you need to know. It’s story time._

Caleb felt the cool calm of separation as he began to share his story. _Not my story, Bren’s story. I am Caleb, this is Bren’s story. Nott, please, don’t hate me._

_Mother, father, I am sorry. How I wish I hadn’t been so bright, so talented. If I hadn’t been, you would still be alive. What a wonderful time that was, before he came. Just let me tell Bren’s story, you will understand. Even one as socially inept as you will understand._

_Good time? Why do I lie? But, it was good, at first. How foolish we were, how naïve and trusting. I could tell them…no, I can’t. They will want to see my scars, I can’t do that yet. They may notice the new ones._

_No, I had no clue what Master Ikithon did was fucked up. At least, I didn’t then. I know now. But we, we were his students, doing good work for the Empire, like the well trained soldiers he’d made us to be. It seems so logical, now, but to us we had no idea it would be our parents._

_I was so foolish, how could I believe that of my mother and father? Father was a soldier! They had always loved the Empire! But no, we believed Master Ikithon. How could we do that! They were our parents! Astrid, my dear Astrid, how you loved your parents! Did you ever discover the truth?_

_They proved their loyalty, but I wasn’t strong enough. Their screams, I still hear them at night, when I close my eyes, when I use fire. And I should, I was so sure, but I was wrong._

_Please, don’t think less of me. I had no choice, they made me go there. I am still broken, some things can’t be fixed._

_That woman, what happened to her? What did she do to me? Why did she have to suffer because of me?_

_Yes, false memories. What does it matter? It doesn’t matter, I wanted to do it! It was my will that created the fire, my magic that cast the spell, my hands that killed mother and father. Their blood is on my hands! Will always be on my hands! Don’t you understand, knowing the memories are false doesn’t change the fact that I killed them! Me! And that man, he was only doing his job, he didn’t have to die, but I killed him too. All so I could escape, be free. Now, they can’t find me. But, that was Master Ikithon with Oremid Hass. What if he saw me, recognized me?_

_I need to get in the library, I need to learn._ Caleb’s thoughts are halted when Beau mentions running. He is momentarily confused.

_I thought you were smart. You will let me in, we had a deal. My secret, you must keep my secret. My life depends on it._

_Yes, I know what he is capable of. I have told you, what? Responsibility? Oh. Wouldn’t you want to take him down, wouldn’t you want to stop the man who tortured you, lied to you, taught you to kill? Why is it my responsibility? You wouldn’t understand what I want to find. I do, I truly do. It’s none of your business what I chose to do with it._

_Selfish? Aren’t you the one who said I have a responsibility to stop him!_ Caleb could feel the fire in his veins heat up as his irritation with Beau increases. The irritation is broken when Beau says he has nothing to be ashamed of. He laughs. _Nothing to be ashamed of? You really are just a dumb idiot, aren’t you._

_Oh, Nott, my dear Nott. You didn’t leave. What do you mean it wasn’t me? Yes, it is! It is my fault! My hands cast the fire! No, I can never take it off. Then, my dear, you will be telling me the rest of your life, for I will never believe you. Please, tell me you aren’t going to leave._

When he hears Nott say his actions are unforgivable, his heart breaks. _Forgive myself? I don’t think I can. Oh, my dear Nott, you are a marvel! I don’t deserve you! Oh, wait, there might be a way. Is it possible? I don’t know, but I can find out. Now that I can get into the Library…oh the possibilities!_ He’s filled with energy as he looks through his notes and makes a list of things to research at the library. Nott stays by his side, a silent comfort. That night, he doesn’t gag himself. She knows, now, and won't ask questions if he wakes up screaming in the middle of the night. Eventually, he collapses in bed, exhausted.

* * *

The next morning, Caleb wakes before Nott once more. He doesn't remember his dreams, but feels the fire burning under his skin. Quickly, he pulls out his dagger, shirt and goes through his cleansing ritual before summoning Frumpkin, again assigned to watch over Nott.

_She may have been accepting, but she doesn't understand what I am. It was my fault, I know it was my fault. I can still hear their screams. The fire, the magic that was once such a wondrous thing is now my reminder of the horrible creature I've become. There will never be forgiveness, can never be forgiveness._

Caleb flinches as he cuts deeper than he meant to, the dagger coming close to tendons.The blood flows faster, a steady stream rather than a slow drip. He grabs one of his healing potions, taking only a sip to stem the flow to a manageable level. His shirt is soaked, and he worries the blood might show through his bandage this time. 

_If anyone asks, it's from yesterday. A piece of stone from the wall cut me when the giant threw the boulder. Yes, that's it._

"Mrow." Frumpkin gently paws his ear.

"Thank you Frumpkin. Good kitty!" Caleb quickly burns the dagger, hands steady as he packs his bags, wraps his arms, and begins to gather up the silver thread. Nott climbed out of bed and hugged him as he finishes gathering the thread, not saying anything. They join the others and plan the day.

 _Damn, why don't they have it! Why must it always come back to them? So many more questions, not enough answers. They are there, I must come back!_ They leave the library, and for a time, Caleb is focused on getting out of the city and away from the Cerberus Assembly.


End file.
